I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
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just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
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Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?