chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
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Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
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She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.