just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest