I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
