my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
