You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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