i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
