Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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