You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
