as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
