Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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