i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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