Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Welp...herpes.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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