I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
