Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
