I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
