don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
