She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I want a musical about memes.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
