I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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