I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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