Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
