I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
