I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
