i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
