I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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