Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
