You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I stole a fireplace last night.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
