Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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