Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
