She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
