if only i could text you this smell
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
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