Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
