I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
