I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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