Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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