My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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