MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
