We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
