9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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