Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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