i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
