Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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