I'm lost and stupid without you.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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