This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
