Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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