sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
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There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
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Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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