I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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