Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
