When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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