He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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