Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
