I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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