Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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