he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
