i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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