Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize