i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
this just has baby written all over it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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