she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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