that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
