Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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