Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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