I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
