Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
