I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
