He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
