U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
