One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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